During the lead up to the holiday season, a lot of focus is often put on family-oriented days such as Thanksgiving, Chanukah and Christmas, and often we who are bereaved have been advised to make a plan for those days.  By December 31, we have actually lived through them, and breathed a sigh of relief as we discovered we could.  With so much energy put towards those holidays, however, New Years can sneak up on us.  There is an unavoidable impact marked by the calendar turning, and the societal expectations to celebrate and start over with a clean slate can be difficult, if not plain absurd, for those of us who have lost a loved one.

This year, there seems to be more emphasis on ringing in the new year.  Having made it to the final days of 2020, which brought us the pandemic, racial unrest, a tumultuous election, and a more divided nation than ever, many people, exhausted by the sheer magnitude of personal isolation and community tension, are rallying to celebrate its passing.

Yet many of us lost loved ones this year -- approximately 341,000 of our neighbors and family members have died from COVID 19 alone, and it is estimated that deaths to substance use and suicide have risen 25% since March.  For every death, we can predict there are 10 bereaved loved ones left behind, and these numbers are higher in communities of color, where families tend to be larger and more interconnected.

So that's approximately 4,000,000 newly bereaved people -- this does not include those whose loved ones died before March 2020 or from other causes during this time.

How do we collectively address New Year's Day at this time? When so many of us are floating in a sea of grief? 

"Happy New Year!" may be especially painful to hear if we are grieving.  

Our grief does not end with the calendar year, and it may be daunting to face a whole new year stretching out in front of us, particularly if those around us are convinced the year will be "better".

While hoping the pain can be left behind, we may simultaneously be afraid of what the new year might bring and we may worry whether or not we can handle any more challenges. Our tendency is to stand at the threshold of a new year looking back rather than forward. To move on may feel like leaving our loved one behind -- an act of betrayal or abandonment of the one we love. 

Our current experience of emptiness and loneliness may make us reluctant to face this new year, and its approach may mean different things for different grievers. Whether we welcome, dread or ignore a new year may depend on where we are in our grief process, and always sits within the context of the world around us.

We may  be in shock or the wound may be extremely raw.  We may feel that with so many deaths, our grief is minimized as just one more statistic.  It is important to remember with gentleness that feeling a little numb or detached keeps us safe while we wake gradually to the reality that life and our world is not how we knew it or thought it would be.  The calandar page turning matters little. 

January 1st is just another day, with no power or meaning except the meaning we choose to give to it.  Even this year; perhaps especially this year. We can give ourselved permission to feel however we are truly feeling, and it is OK to acknowledge our losses and grief with those around us.  This new year's, may our only resolution be to respond with the utmost kindness to ourselves and others as we continue to navigate the waves in this sea of grief. 

Feeling grief is a totally normal reaction to a celebrity death
By Katherine Ellen Foley, reprinted from Quartz.com
Although celebrities can feel like larger-than-life idols, they’re only human. And sadly, we’re all mortal.
When a beloved public figure dies, it can be confusing to feel sadness or grief. Logically, we know they weren’t actually close to us. Usually we had never met them, and if we had it was only briefly for a photo-op or quick autograph.
But even though we didn’t have an intimate relationship with many of these people, they still can be psychologically close to us. It’s become a financial necessity for musicians to use their social media platforms to make us feel like they’re our friends, and that trend has spread into other entertainment disciplines like acting, modeling, and television hosting. Even before Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram, it was natural for us to develop kinships with the celebrities we believed we understood based on their work.
“Fan mourns not only the loss of the celebrity, but other aspects of their personal life which have become bound-up with the celebrity,” Michael Brennan, a sociologist at Liverpool Hope University, told the French Press Agency after the death of the pop-star Prince in 2016.
When we think about a public figure, we often reflect on when we first became aware of them, or when their work began to resonate with us so personally. Hearing the news of their deaths forces us to reflect on that time. We feel nostalgia for it, and may even regret the passage of time. “Fans may…also be mourning the loss of personal relationships and the loss of self bound up with memories of a celebrity’s music and other creative endeavors,” Brennan told Quartz later in an email. So although we may outwardly express the fact that we’re mourning for the particular  person, that’s not really the case. Instead, we’re mourning who they were to us, and who we were when we discovered them.
Jacque Lynn Foltyn, a professor of sociology at National University in La Jolla, California, told Vice News that the celebrities we feel close to are more like “intimate strangers.” The grief we feel for them may be criticized for not being genuine, considering that we only knew them from afar. Expressing our mourning over the internet may seem like a cry for attention—and in some ways it is. Scientific American once reported that when we do share on social media about the death of a public figure, it shows others that we are aware of major cultural events.
But if you feel heartbroken over the death of a public figure, let yourself grieve a little and celebrate their life. Consider using it as an opportunity to reach out to your own loved ones. There’s never a bad time to remind someone how much they mean to you.

This Pandemic of Griefby Center for Loss | Mar 18, 2020 | Articles
by Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D. (reprinted with permission)
​
The coronavirus is not only causing a viral pandemic—it is giving rise to a pandemic of grief. As I write this, in mid-March, we as a global community are suffering so many losses that I hardly know where to begin.

Death and grief go hand-in-hand, of course. Thousands of people have already died of COVID-19 worldwide. Many more are dying right now. These are terrible losses for the loved ones of these precious individuals, and they will need our support and empathy in the months to come.

Yet what strikes me at this moment is that this aggressive new virus is threatening every single person on Earth with myriad losses of every kind. Name something you care about or that gives your life meaning. In all likelihood, this attachment is now negatively affected or threatened in some way by the coronavirus.
Social distancing is forcing us to be apart from friends and family for weeks and possibly months. Personal events have been postponed or called off, so we are unable to gather for life’s most meaningful celebrations and rituals, from baptisms and birthdays to weddings, anniversary parties, and funerals. Public activities and experiences that brought us together have also been cancelled. Workplaces are shuttering or moving to work-from-home. Restaurants, museums, and theaters are closing. Sporting events have been shut down. Town squares stand empty.

While thanks to technology we can still stay in constant contact with one another remotely—something that wasn’t possible during past prolonged international crises, such as the 1918 flu pandemic—we are learning the limitations of digital love and care.


What is grief?As human beings, whenever our attachments are threatened, harmed, or severed, we naturally grieve. Grief is everything we think and feel inside of us when this happens. We experience shock and disbelief. We worry, which is a form of fear. We become sad and possibly lonely. We get angry. We feel guilty or regretful. The sum total of all these and any other thoughts and feelings we are experiencing as a result of the coronavirus pandemic is our grief.

Our pandemic grief will change from day to day and week to week. This virus is fast. As it sweeps across continents and we collectively take action to “flatten the curve,” new rules and limitations are popping up every day. Restrictions are mounting and growing increasingly severe. As the noose tightens, our grief will change. And as with the virus itself, it will likely get worse before it gets better.


How to help yourself and others: emotionally, socially, and spirituallyThere are a couple of important things to understand about your pandemic grief.

First, it is normal and natural. It is simply a part of your love and attachment.
And second, grief responds to awareness, attention, and expression.
You will feel better if you mourn. Mourning is being aware of your grief, giving it the attention it needs and deserves, and expressing it outside of yourself.
We have all heard a lot about how to take care of ourselves physically with this virus, but I have seen little about emotional, social, and spiritual health. During this time of great grief, mourning is the key to these pillars of self-care.

When we are feeling the emotional pain of our coronavirus grief, we can tune into it and allow it to teach us what we are really worried, sad, angry, etc. about. And then we can express it. We can talk to others about it, in our household, on the phone, or online. We can write about it in a journal. We can listen to music or watch movies that help us access, understand, and share our feelings. Mourning our grief in these ways helps soften it and gives us the emergency emotional release and sustenance we need to survive.

Socially, we can’t congregate in person right now. Did you know that the word “congregate” comes from the Latin roots com, meaning together, and gregare, meaning to gather in a flock? But we can continue to make efforts to reach out to the people we care about. Video calls are probably the best substitute for face-to-face conversations. Voice calls come second. After that, emails, texting, and social media work too. And don’t forget the power of the handwritten letter! The point is to stay connected as much as possible AND to be open and honest in those communications about whatever it is you are feeling or struggling with at the moment. Your candor will encourage others to be honest as well, creating the opportunity for mutual support and kindness.

And when it comes to spiritual health, now is an especially resonant time to work on caring for your soul. One redeeming factor of enforced isolation is that it creates the opportunity for spiritual contemplation and practice. In times of loss, we almost always wonder why things happen as they do. We naturally question the meaning of life in general and the meaning of our own life in particular. We turn our attention to our deepest beliefs and values. We talk to God or wonder about God or get angry at God.

If you’ve been struggling with beliefs, values, meaning, and life goals during the pandemic, you’re experiencing the spiritual aspect of grief. And the best way to care for your spirit right now is to be intentional about giving it time and attention. I recommend spending at least 15 minutes each day on spiritual practices. Whatever helps you get in touch with your divine spark—do that. For some people that might be meditation or prayer. For others it can be reading a spiritual text, speaking affirmations, attending a religious or spiritual service online, doing yoga, writing in a journal, or spending time observing nature or walking outdoors.

Simply being aware of your emotional, social, and spiritual health every day and being deliberate about self-care in those areas will help you and others today as well as in the weeks to come. There is no doubt that this is a challenging moment to be alive, but it is also a moment in which our collective resources have never been greater and more capable. So let’s be open, honest, and kind—to ourselves and to each other.

Suggestions for special circumstancesLoneliness — The longer we are isolated in our homes, the lonelier we are likely to become. Humans are social creatures. We are built for touch and body language and conversation. With the rise of technology and its modern-day substitution for personal contact, we were already suffering from a loneliness epidemic. But the coronavirus social-distancing efforts are making it (and will continue to make it) worse. My best suggestion here is to reach out proactively to others in all the ways that you can right now, as often as you can, for their benefit as well as yours. If you or someone you know is at particular risk for loneliness right now, ask for assistance. Find friends, family members, and neighbors who are willing to create a support team. Most people are happy to help but need suggestions about how.

Isolated seniors — On a related note, many seniors are particularly isolated right now. As you know, older people are at much higher risk for serious illness and death from the coronavirus and are having to self-isolate the most strictly. If you are an isolated senior reading this, the loneliness self-care tips I offered above apply to you. If you would like to help an isolated senior, brainstorm with others about the ways in which you can still provide safe comfort and support. For example, deliveries of food, books, and personal notes might help. Touching base by phone once or twice a day could make a world of difference. Be creative and practical in your efforts, and most of all, offer frequent and consistent contact.

Another special circumstance that applies here concerns seniors being cared for in long-term care facilities that have instituted no-visitors policies during the pandemic. Such policies are absolutely necessary right now, but they are also separating loved ones. And I have already heard of a number of cases in which an elderly resident is actively dying but their family is not allowed to be by their side as they die. This is a great heartbreak indeed, and I can offer no equal substitute for physical proximity at this pivotal moment in a family’s life. But I would encourage families to do whatever they can to convey their love. For example, it’s possible to write a letter to the person who is dying and ask a care attendant to read it aloud to them. Making a video recording of yourself, as if you were talking directly to the dying person, is another idea. Asking that special music be played and special memorabilia or flowers be placed in the room is a third idea.

Far-flung families — Many family members are separated from one another at the moment. Some live far apart but wish they could be closer together at this time of need and grief. But travel may not be possible, and for elderly or at-risk family members, physical proximity may be inadvisable anyway. Again, I would suggest being in touch as much as possible, as often as possible, in any way you can. If you are feeling concern or love for someone who is far away, call them and tell them so. Send them a text. Write them an email. Send a heartfelt greeting card with a personal letter. Your grief over a possible threat to their wellbeing, yours, or both is tugging at you, so give it voice. They will feel loved and supported, and you will feel relieved and loved as well.

Cancelled events — In many ways, special events are the moments in which we most profoundly feel the love we share with our closest others as well as the meaning of life itself. We dream of and plan for significant expected events such as graduations, retirements, and family vacations. And when unexpected significant events arise, such as serious injuries, deaths, and funerals, we drop everything to be there. But we are living in a moment in time in which most such events are being cancelled in an effort to protect the health of the greater community and the most vulnerable among us. Naturally we are bereft over the loss of these rare opportunities to gather with loved ones and immerse ourselves in that which is most meaningful in our lives.

Whenever possible, I would advocate for such events being postponed rather than cancelled. If the graduation or retirement date comes and goes, maybe the celebration can still be held later on. If a public funeral can’t take place shortly after the death, maybe a memorial service can be scheduled some weeks or months from now. Untimely gatherings are not ideal, of course, but they are much better than no gathering at all. Virtual events may also be a good idea. Baby showers and christenings broadcast live online might be an option, for example.

But most of all, what I hope you will do when an upcoming event is cancelled is pay attention to your feelings about the cancellation and then communicate those feelings to the people who form the centerpiece of the event. If a wedding is cancelled, for instance, write heartfelt notes to the bride and groom and any other family members you are close to telling them why you were looking forward to the event, what it means to you, and what your hopes and dreams are for them in the months to come. They will find great comfort and meaning in your words.

Serious illness and death — If it hasn’t already for you, the moment will likely come during this pandemic when someone you care about—maybe not someone in your closest circle but a friend or neighbor—becomes seriously ill and perhaps even dies. I am certainly not trying to borrow trouble, but I also understand that, numerically, you and I may both find ourselves in this unfortunate circumstance at some point in the coming year. Such is the nature of COVID-19. And to complicate matters, it may happen at a time when we are still quarantined to our own homes, and public ceremonies are still forbidden.

Virtually all of us are grieving this possibility right now. If you have read this whole article, you know that I am an advocate for being open and honest about our inner grief. If in the coming days your grief includes this worry, please talk about it with other people, on the phone, online, and on social media. And if such a reality comes to pass for you, I hope you will remember that your grief is normal and necessary, and it needs and deserves expression.

Here in the American interior west, it feels strange to be rolling onto the onramp of a viral pandemic. We know the route we are heading down, but we don’t know exactly how bad it’s going to be or how our local communities—or we personally—will be affected along the way. Because of this uncertainty, our grief is in part anticipatory at this point. While we are already grieving very real closures, cancellations, and limitations, we are also, normally and naturally, anticipating the unknown griefs to come. They are also part of our love.
I hope that we will emerge from this viral and grief pandemic a more conscious, cohesive, and caring world community. May it shape and transform us into better versions of ourselves.

My heart is heavy after the recent suicides by Parkland teens, just one year after the school shooting that killed 17 of their classmates.  I am sure I am not alone in this.  Unfortunately, no community in the US is untouched by the loss of young lives.

We know that bereaved teens are at a three times higher risk for suicide, and this proves true clinically in my office each week.  We also know that this risk is much larger for those who have lost loved ones to death by suicide; I am unable to find any research on suicide risk after mass homicideAs a therapist who specializes in grief, loss and trauma, I am intimately aware of the nuances of suicidal ideation during the grief process which, as any bereaved person knows, lasts for several years at a minimum.  Most of my bereaved clients flirt with the possibility of ending their own lives at some time.  My job is to provide a safe place and trusted relationship to process these frightening aspects of both grief and trauma in addition to the sadness, anger, denial, and other more frequently talked about “grief emotions”. 

Yet this ideation reaches far beyond bereaved teens, and I also lay witness to this on a daily basis.  Today’s young people call themselves the “massacre generation”, the “mass shooting generation”, and the “Columbine generation”, and feel directly under threat either from others or themselves. 

The brave and thoughtful young people who seek therapy seem to bear the weight of a generation who live with the very real fear that their lives may be in danger or cut short.  For some, this sense of imminent threat and global grief creates a response in activism, but for many, particularly those without strong support systems, it creates a sense of nihilism.  As Dr. Hannah Schell states in her article for Vocation Matters (2019), “When the future looks bleak and your options seem severely curtailed, the view that nothing really matters can take hold.  Why bother planning for a future that may not come?”

This sense of hopelessness magnifies during times of grief, and often manifests in increased substance use, self-harm, and suicidal ideation.  Isolating forms of entertainment become appealing, such as obsessive gaming or binge-watching.  It also thwarts long-range planning, such as thinking of college, graduate school, or a long-term career or relationship. 

So here in Southwest Colorado and the Four Corners area, what can be done to help alleviate the suffering of these young people?  More importantly, what is being done?

After a dramatic rise in youth and teen deaths by suicide in both La Plata and Montezuma Counties, The Grief Center of Southwest Colorado has been expanding our services.  These include crisis response interventions after the death of students or school staff, grief groups at participating schools in Durango, Silverton and Cortez, and grief, trauma and resiliency sessions for teachers and school counselors in both La Plata and Montezuma Counties.  After the school shootings in Aztec, NM in December 2017, The Grief Center provided immediate support and aftercare through local youth service organizations including the Boys and Girls Clubs in both Aztec and Farmington.

 As valuable as the immediate interventions are, these services are generally requested for the first few days or weeks after a traumatic loss; we have a short but important climb in recognizing as a community that the needs of the bereaved go far beyond this timeline.  Often the reality of the loss and the impending hopelessness do not make themselves apparent until the survivor has been suffering with their great loss for more than a year or two. 

Of note, The Grief Center of Southwest Colorado is part of the ongoing effort to lower the occurrence of deaths to both suicide and substance use in our communities, speaking broadly to the fact that post-vention bereavement counseling is also prevention. 
​
Sadly, these recent completed suicides by the two bereaved Parkland teens are not really a surprise.  We owe it to this generation, which I would like to see dubbed the “resilient generation”, to offer deeper and longer support after loss.

https://durangoherald.com/youth-suicide-in-la-plata-county…

Grief care a crucial support for the bereaved
Tye McClish used to spend a lot of time outside camping and hiking with his daughter, Lily, before she died by suicide when she was 13. He remembers her as a talented artist, who loved her horse.

"The hardest thing for me is there is not going to be any more pictures. There is not going to be any more memories,” McClish said.
The eighth-grader loved riding her horse, and she was a gifted artist who was always doodling.
“She had a huge smile and laughter. Even being depressed, she could light up a room with her laughter and smile,” her father said.
Lily had struggled with depression. She was bullied at school because she identified as a lesbian, McClish said.
However, the day she died, there was no indication that she planned to take her life, McClish said.
Shortly after Lily’s death, McClish started to attend counseling with Judy Austin, a grief specialist.
“I have never had this pain in my life before, and it’s not going anywhere. And for me, I’ve had to get comfortable with it in my space,” he said.
The regular counseling has allowed him to be more open with his emotions than he has ever been, he said.
For people who lose someone to suicide, grief counseling is important because they are far more likely to die by suicide themselves.
A study in the United Kingdom with 3,400 participants found that adults whose loved one died by suicide were 65 percent more likely to attempt suicide than those who lost friends or family members in other ways.
Youths exposed to the death of a classmate are also more likely to consider suicide and attempt it. About 14 percent of students exposed to suicide are likely to consider suicide themselves. While only 5 percent of those in the same age group reported considering suicide, a Canadian study found.
Grief can be isolating, and that is one way it can feed into a cycle of more suicides, Austin said.

The need for grief care is also a bit at odds with American culture, which tends to put the focus on getting back to normal and going back to work, she said. But sometimes, the bereaved don’t understand how big an impact a loss can have on them.
There is also a tendency to want to escape, cover up or fix difficult emotions across our culture, she said. But part of grieving requires acknowledging difficult feelings.
“We only gain resilience by knowing we can hold the depths of sorrow, despair, depression. ... It’s not permanent, we will always come out of it. But unless we have that lived experience and people around us have that lived experience, we don’t always know that,” she said.
Austin opened The Grief Center of the Southwest Colorado in 2007, and it became a formal nonprofit in 2015. The nonprofit provides grief counseling to anyone who has lost a loved one regardless of the manner of death or how much time has passed since the death occurred. Services are offered on a sliding fee scale.
Counselors from the center also visit schools, businesses and organizations when a death has occurred. This includes going to Durango School District 9-R schools to support staff and students after a death by suicide, Austin said
Initially, counselors comfort the bereaved, listening without judgment, and offer them a list of possible options for grief support they can seek later, such as support groups and therapy.

Tye McClish sought out grief therapy shortly after his 13-year-old daughter Lily died by suicide in 2017. Working with grief specialist Judy Austin has helped him to be more open about his emotions.

The Grief Center has had an exponential increase in the demand for its services over the last three years likely because of an increase in traumatic losses, such as suicides, substance-related deaths, homicides and car crashes, Austin said.
To react, the Grief Center plans to expand its services with a new satellite office that will open this fall in Bayfield Town Hall, she said.

LOSS Teams In many communities across the United States, volunteers who have first-hand experience losing a loved one to suicide are among the first to respond to a death by suicide, and they can immediately recommend locally available grief care to the bereaved.
This response model was started by Frank Campbell, the executive director emeritus of the Baton Rouge Crisis Intervention Center. He founded the first Local Outreach to Suicide Survivors Team, or LOSS Team, in 1998.
Before founding the team, residents took an average of 4.5 years to seek care at his center. With the new team, the average time to seek care decreased to less than 60 days, he said.
The trained LOSS Team volunteer is one of the most valuable people to respond to a suicide because their presence can help bring hope to someone who has just discovered or witnessed a suicide, he said.
“(The bereaved) look up at the person with the LOSS Team and they lock eyes with that person and, I mean, it is just that dramatic. And they routinely say, ‘Oh my God. You know what I’m going through,’” Campbell said. “What happens in that moment I describe as the installation of hope.”
He was initially unable to start the program in Baton Rouge because the coroner was concerned about the potential contamination of the scene while a death was under investigation.
However, Campbell said he built a friendship with the deputy coroner who was eventually elected coroner and who was willing to work with the new team. His LOSS Team has never caused a problem at a scene, he said.
Reducing the amount of time it takes for a person to seek help can prevent additional mental health problems that people who experience such a loss can develop, such as anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder and substance abuse, Campbell said.
When La Plata County Sheriff’s deputies respond to a death by suicide, generally two members of the victim resources team responds, said Kathy Brush, victim resource coordinator.
The team will provide emotional first aid because the bereaved are not ready for counseling right after a death, she said. Most people are in shock and can’t retain much information.
“We are present with them. That is our main focus,” Brush wrote in an email to The Durango Herald.
In the days after the death, staff members with victim resources will call the family and recommend therapists, clergy or Heartbeat, a support group for those who have lost loved ones to suicide, Brush said.

Heartbeat The day Michelle and Tony Gelles’ only daughter, Savannah, died by suicide, one of the many people they talked to that day recommended Heartbeat.
The two started to attend the group a week later. The La Plata County chapter of the group was started in 2013 for people who have lost loved ones to suicide. It is now overseen by the The Grief Center.
“Everyone is experiencing the same thing, so we don’t feel alone,” Michelle said.
Savannah was spontaneous and spunky, and an adventurer who enjoyed boating, camping and riding horses.
“She was the rock in our little family of three, always wanting to keep us all positive,” she said.
Savannah started to struggle with the symptoms of borderline personality disorder, a condition that can magnify a person’s emotions, when she was 13 or 14.
The Gelles family immediately sought treatment and feel they did as much as they could for Savannah, Michelle said.
She describes her grief at the loss of her 22-year-old daughter as complicated.
“It’s a roller coaster of unpredictable emotions and reactions,” she said.

Ginger Domingos also started to attend Heartbeat meetings after her daughter, Rachel, died by suicide in 2015.
“It was really good to share how you’re feeling and confirm that you are not going crazy. I literally hurt so bad that I swear it cracked my heart,” she said.
Heartbeat was founded in 1980 by LaRita Archibald in Colorado Springs, and she has observed the difference the groups can make, although they are not a replacement for therapy.
“Many survivors tell me ... being in this group saved my life,” she said in an email.
In addition to attending the support group, Domingos found support through an online email group called Parents of Suicide. The international group allows her to read the stories of others who have experienced a similar loss and keeps her from feeling alone in her grief, she said.
“I think that’s been lifesaver,” she said.


mshinn@durangoherald.com

Grief on Mother’s Day
 
While Mother’s Day is intended to be a day of celebration, for some it is a day of reminded loss.  This may be true for those who have lost their mothers or mothers who have lost a child.  The images of the perfect day, in addition to school and church activities dedicated to celebrating mother’s day, can trigger a cascade of pain and emotional distress. 
 
The death of a parent is the most common form of bereavement in the United States. Almost 12 million Americans lose a parent every year, but our society tends to believe that because it is expected that our parents will die, bereaved adult children need to “get over it quickly and move on.”  Many bereaved adult children feel they have lost a friend and advisor. They lament that there is no longer anyone who can truly relate to their childhood memories, nor anyone with whom they can openly share their or their children’s awards, achievements, or everyday lives.
 
“When a mother dies, a [child’s] mourning never completely ends,” says Hope Edleman, author of the 1994 book Motherless Daughters, one of the first books to examine the emotional journey a woman takes when she loses her mother. When a child dies, a mother’s mourning never completely ends, and she will grieve each milestone her child will not reach.
 
If Mother’s Day is painful for you, you’re not alone—and you have the right to spend it however you want, and to take care of yourself in the process. Here are a few strategies to find strength this Mother’s Day — consider sharing them with loved ones so they can help support you.
 
1.    You have the right to choose how you want to spend the day
Even the most understanding friends and family may expect you to be cheerful on Mother’s Day. Talk to them ahead of time so they know how you’re feeling and what you’re up for this year. Let them know that you may change your mind about participating in festivities, even at the last minute. Tell them if you’d prefer to play it by ear, and release the guilt and shame that may come with bowing out of social pressure to celebrate. Research shows that we’re not actually very good at predicting how we’ll feel in the future, so leave yourself room for flexibility.
2.    You have the right to be acknowledged as a daughter and/or a mother
3.    You have the right to feel however you feel
Mother’s Day can be filled with memories and traditions that cause unexpected and shifting emotions. There’s no one right way to be. People who tell you how you “should” feel or act may mean well, but they may not know what’s best for you.  Notice when you tell yourself how you “should” feel. Try to replace those thoughts with acceptance of your feelings as they come.
4.    You have the right to talk about it—or don’t
There is a misconception that talking about a loved one who has died “will make people sad.”  By contrast, bereaved individuals report that hearing others say the name of their loved ones makes them feel both seen and understood. 
5.    You have the right to take care of yourself
Be gentle with yourself.  Research shows that self-care can make it easier to cope with stress, especially during challenging times.  Eat well, stay active, try to sleep, and give yourself the opportunity to relax when you need it.  In short, practice parenting yourself.
6.    You have the right to hold on to hope that you will not feel this bad forever
This particular day may not be the same as it was before.  It may never be quite that way again.  But it won't necessarily always be this hard.  You don't know what next year has in store for you, and you won't always feels how you do right now.  Watch for signs of the mental trap of permanence -- believing that things will never get better.  If you find yourself falling into it, try replacing words like "always" with "sometimes" to remind yourself that the future is not fixed.

And remember, death ends a life, but does not end a relationship.

 
Links to information presented here: https://optionb.org/advice/how-to-spend-mothers-day-on-your-own-terms

https://www.vitas.com/resources/grief-and-bereavement/mourning-the-death-of-a-parent