Blog Archives - The Grief Center of Southwest Colorado

Five tips for the holiday season

12/21/2018

Here are five tips for getting through the holidays when you’re feeling less than merry, from PTSD specialist Dr. Jude Black:
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1. Accept where you’re at
And that’s not likely to be at the top of your game. Grief is a tricky beast: You may be ok one minute and sobbing the next. Do what you feel you are capable of; cancel what is too painful.
2. Take breathers
It’s normal to feel alone and disconnected in the middle of a crowded room, or around a table where someone you love is conspicuously absent. Take a breather if you need to — leaning on those you most trust — and only then attempt to re-engage.
3. Say their name
People don’t know what to say or are afraid they will hurt you by talking about your loss. Show them it’s ok — more than ok, a way of paying their respects. Lead by example, and say their name. The festive seasons is about reflecting on the memories you cherish most. In that way, your loved one will not be absent from the holiday table.
4. Try something different
Maintaining a few long-held family traditions is a tried-and-true way to honor your loved one. But so, too, is doing something new. Whatever feels right to you, even if this changes at the last minute, is OK.
5. Take care of yourself
When you’re grieving, self-care can be a life raft. Extra sleep, a walk in the crisp air, a warm bath, a call to a friend …
May you find moments of peace this holiday season.

After the Death of a Colleague

12/9/2018

Death of a Colleague: Grief, What to Expect, and Coping Strategies

We work side by side with our colleagues, commonly sharing the news of our daily lives. As a result, we often consider them not just co-workers, but also friends or members of our extended family. Upon learning of a colleague’s death we naturally experience sadness and feelings of loss. The death can also affect our feelings about our work, the workplace, and our own health and well-being. Our feelings can be especially trying when our colleague dies unexpectedly as there may not have been opportunities to say good-bye.

Everyone grieves and processes death differently. Some people may feel that they don’t have permission to grieve for a colleague in the way that they would grieve a friend or family member. Some people may feel devastated; others may feel numb and disconnected. Some may withdraw socially while others reach out for support. Guidance through the complex and difficult grieving process is often helpful. What follows are some thoughts about what to expect and how to cope with the death of a colleague.

The grieving process

Feelings and symptoms of grief may take weeks and sometimes months to individually process. We do not heal according to a timetable but, over time, our emotions do ease. The feelings and symptoms can be different for each of us. They may include: shock, denial, anger, guilt, anxiety, sleep disturbance, exhaustion, relief, overwhelming sadness, and problems with concentration. Most of the time we feel several of these emotions at the same time, but we feel them in varying degrees. The extent, depth and duration will depend on how close we were to the individual who died, the circumstances of the death, and our own situation and losses that we have experienced.

Also affecting our grief response will be the number of years worked together, the nature of our relationship with the co-worker, the age of the deceased, the suddenness of the death, and other challenges that may be facing the work group and the staff and/or faculty at the time of the loss.

"Grief is a journey, often perilous and without clear direction. The experience of grieving cannot be ordered or categorized, hurried or controlled, pushed aside or ignored indefinitely. It is inevitable as breathing, as change, as love. It may be postponed, but it will not be denied." ~Mollie Fumia

What to expect

· People experience grief differently. You or your co-worker who was particularly close to the person who died may feel depressed, absent-minded, short-tempered, or exhausted. Some people find talking about the deceased helps them manage their grief while others keep to themselves. Respect and accept that others may feel the loss more or less strongly than you, and they may cope differently.

· A death may generate questions and fears about our own mortality. If a co-worker dies, we may feel guilty or angry at that person, at life, or at the medical providers or caregivers if the death was related to an illness. It may cause you to question your own life and how temporary life is with those we love. These are all normal reactions and emotions. Be prepared for grief triggers that may surprise you by bringing up uncomfortable feelings from out of nowhere. A close colleague‘s death can sometimes trigger memories of previous losses in our lives, as well as fears and concerns about mortality.

· You may find yourself distracted and thinking about the death even when you’re not at work.

· Your family may not understand why you are having such an intense reaction to a workplace death and may want you to be the same old person you always have been. Going to a party, a family gathering, or an evening of fun and entertainment may not appeal to you; this may be difficult for your friends and family to comprehend.

· Work goes on. Be prepared for reactions such as anger and renewed sadness related to organizational changes that might follow a coworker’s death.

· Be aware of how you may react to a deceased co-worker’s replacement. Even clearing their work area may bring up deep emotion. If you feel anger or disappointment about the new person’s performance, personality, or work style, consider that your feelings may be less about the individual than your grief about the loss of person they are replacing.

Coping and some things you might do

· If you’re comfortable doing so then attend the funeral or memorial service; this gives you a chance to say good-bye and offer condolences to the family.

· Express condolences; a card, flowers or some other expression to the family members of the deceased may be appreciated and may help you feel better.

· Express your thoughts and feelings to trusted people, sharing may help healing. In addition, for some people it helps to write out thoughts, perhaps keep a journal, as a means of externalizing innermost thoughts and feelings.

· Find support. Talking to a family member, trusted friend, member of the clergy or a trained professional might be useful. Reading about the grief process may help with understanding your own reactions.

· The way you feel immediately after the death and the weeks that follow will change, so be patient and have compassion for yourself. Give yourself and your co- workers time to adjust to the loss. Accepting that for some recovery will be quick and for others it may take more time than others.

· Be kind to yourself and try to focus on the basics of eating healthy, getting enough sleep, exercising, and using positive self-talk.

· Be kind to each other. This is not an easy time for the work unit and many adjustments have to be made, people may not be at their best. Cut each other some slack, be gentle and understanding with one another during this time, and find ways to cooperate to share any additional workload. Avoid giving false comfort to a colleague. Statements like “at least the suffering is over,” “you’ll get over it in time,” or “it’s God’s will,” may make you feel better, but worn out expressions are unlikely to genuinely help. A simple expression of a sorrow shared is usually appreciated, “I’m so sorry,” or, “I have some time if you’d like to talk” goes a long way.

Seeking help

If you, a colleague, or a work group needs guidance or support through the difficult time that follows a workplace death and accompanying grieving process then consider contacting the Grief Center of Southwest Colorado. Our community outreach experience and professional expertise in the grieving process is available on request. We are also able to make referrals to a variety of community resources.

Help for Young Adult Grievers

12/9/2018

How Do I Find Support as a Grieving 20-Something?

What can you do as a young griever?

Assess your support system
The reality is we aren’t always good at using our support system in the right way. We go to the wrong person at the wrong time, or we keep going back to people who are not meeting our needs rather than really critically looking at who can best meet our needs. Learn to use your support system more effectively. How, you might ask?

Speak up
This can be tough, because talking about your loss can be tough . . . and awkward . . . and weird to work into conversation. For those very reasons many people carry their losses in silence. But if we all walk around silently grieving our personal losses, we only exacerbate our collective feelings of isolation. When we start to open up about our losses, often times we learn that others have been through similar losses and we connect with people we never would have expected. I read recently that 1 in 7 Americans loses a parent before age 20. 1 in 7!! This involves taking a risk, being open and being vulnerable, but the reward is huge when you do connect.

Don’t let past bad experiences taint future experiences
When you start to share and speak up about pain and loss, it isn’t always going to go well. But don’t let past bad experiences keep you from trying and trusting again. Easier said than done, but it is important to remember that one person failing you when you needed support does not mean that everyone will. Be thoughtful with who you open up to, but don’t let the fear of repeating the past prevent you from forming new relationships in the present.

Tell your friends what you need
Sometimes we assume that others know what we need or that they will figure it out. As mentioned above, this may be the first time your friend has supported someone grieving and they may have never been through a loss themselves. That makes it especially important that you speak up and let them know what you need. If you want to talk without that person judging or giving advice, tell them that. If you aren’t ready to be social, but would really love some company sitting on the couch watching TV, tell them. If you aren’t always great about calling or texting back, but appreciate friends checking in with you, let them know that you appreciate it even if you don’t always reply. You get the idea.

Help your friends understand grief
This can be tough, because you may not even understand grief! And even if you do, you may not be in a position to be teaching other people about it. But you can point them to some resources. Chances are your good friends want to help you and they want to understand more. They just may not know where to start. If you are looking for some things to get your friends started you can recommend this post on Supporting a Friend After a Death, this post on Grief Myths that Just Need to Stop and this post of 64 Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me About Grief at https://whatsyourgrief.com.

Be open
Sometimes we fixate on the idea that grief support has to come from someone who has had a similar loss to our own, someone in our age range or someone who is similar to us in spiritual beliefs, life experiences, etc. Over years supporting grievers and from my own experiences, one thing that is important to remember is that sometimes you find grief support and grief friends where you least expect them. You may be a grieving 20-something, but that doesn’t mean another grieving 20-something is your only possible source of support. Be open to this and remember, not every friend will be able to provide support in every situation. And that’s okay!

Forgive
People say stupid things when you are grieving. Like, really stupid things. Oh, and they do stupid things. Often well-intentioned things, but still stupid. It can be easy to then think they are stupid, or insensitive, or bad friends. Chances are they are just floundering because they don’t know the right thing to say or do. Cut them some slack, have a conversation about what they said or did that hurt you, and help them know how to better support you going forward. Now, if they keep doing or saying the wrong thing, then you may need to get some space from them. But give them a chance before you jump to that conclusion.

The bad stuff about support systems when you’re young.

1.There is a good chance your friends haven’t been through something similar. Though this certainly isn’t always the case, the reality is that when we are young we are less likely to have lost people who are close to us. So, when you do lose someone as a young person it is pretty likely your friends may not have been through the same thing.
2. Your friends are less likely to know how to support someone grieving. In addition to not having lost someone themselves, there is a fair chance you are the first grieving friend your friend has ever had. They may be feeling like they have no idea what to say or do to support you. This isn’t their fault, they don’t teach us this stuff in school!
3. Your friends can be a bit self-focused. This isn’t an insult and it isn’t a rule, but when we are teens and 20-somethings we can be pretty darned focused on ourselves and what is going on in our own lives – girlfriends, boyfriends, dances, colleges, first jobs, first apartments, figuring out the meaning of life, etc. It can sometimes be hard for people to shift that focus to provide the support you need when you are grieving.
4. They don’t understand grief. Let’s be honest, this can be true for friends of any age, but it may be especially true for friends when you are younger. They may assume you will be “back to normal” after a few months, they may assume your grief will look a certain way and be surprised if it doesn’t, etc. They want to understand, they want to help, but they just don’t get it. At. All.
5. Your priorities change. Many times your friends are your friends because you have similar interests, experiences, perspectives and beliefs. One thing that can happen with grief (though it doesn’t always, of course) is your priorities or beliefs change. The things that seemed so important before no longer feel important. Your interests or belief system shift. Your friends may have a hard time understanding these shifts and staying connected.

The good stuff about support systems when you’re young
1. Friends are incredibly important. It isn’t to say that friends aren’t always important, but we know as teenagers our friends become extremely important and have a significant impact on how we grow, adjust and cope. This importance of peers often carries into our twenties, before we establish long-term romantic relationships or have children of our own. So the good news is, as a young griever, you may already have friends who you talk to daily, who know you extremely well and who have helped you through some dark days in the past.
2. They have time. Once you hit your 30s and 40s many friends are juggling spouses, children, careers and many other stressors of their own families. This can cause grievers to feel their friends just don’t have any free time at all, and certainly don’t want to burden them when they do have time though as 20-somethings we undoubtedly have busy schedules and stressors, we often have more time for friends in general. This time can make it a little easier to provide support.
3. People are looking for new friends. It may not feel like it when finding new friends isn’t coming easily, but the truth is that many 20-somethings are eager to make friends and often feel isolated. In college you are surrounded by people your age with endless options of clubs, sports, classes and activities where you can connect. The post-college world can be a shock without a built-in friend group, so there are many people looking to connect. Now, you still need to find those people, which isn’t always easy (especially when you are grieving) but looking for book clubs, sports, young adult professional groups, running clubs, etc is a place to start.

Meeting other young grievers

Though it can feel like there are no groups or resources for young people, they are out there. Here are just a few ideas of places you may find some other grievers in your age bracket.

Grief Groups
The Grief Center of Southwest Colorado holds groups based on age and/or circumstances of the loss. If they do not currently have a group that fits for you, they are always willing to try to form one.

AMF
They are a group that meets on college campuses for students who are grieving. This is a great way to connect with other college students who are grieving. https://healgrief.org/actively-moving-forward

The Dinner Party
There are less formal options to connect with other grievers. The Dinner Party is a network of ‘hosts’ across the country who throw dinner parties, allowing mostly 20 and 30-something grievers to connect with other grievers over yummy potluck dinners. Started by 5 young grievers who didn’t find support in traditional places, the dinner parties worked for them and slowly the party grew and expanded. Now it is happening in cities across the country. Like AMF, if there is no party happening in your city you can sign up as a host and get a dinner party started!

Too Damn Young
For those looking for an online options, you may want to check out What’s Your Grief: https://whatsyourgrief.com, and Too Damn Young: http://toodamnyoung.com. This is a website that is specifically designed by and intended for teen, college and 20-something grievers. Don’t discount the value of cyber support! It can sometimes offer a bit to supplement the real-life support!

Adapted from: https://whatsyourgrief.com/whats-your-question-how-do-i-find-support-as-a-grieving-20-something/

Other resources:

https://www.griefcenterswco.org
https://www.dougy.org/docs/Tips_for_Young_Adults_Grieving_a_Death.pdf
https://thecusp.com.au/dealing-with-grief-as-a-young-adult/3032
http://toodamnyoung.com/
https://healgrief.org/actively-moving-forward
https://www.thedinnerparty.org

Author

Judy Austin, LPC has a private therapy practice in Durango and is the director of The Grief Center of Southwest Colorado. She is also a member of the National Alliance for Grieving Children, the International Association of Trauma Professionals, and the Association for Death Education and Counseling. She can be reached at griefcenterswco@gmail.com or 970-764-7142.

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