- Get close! Give your child extra comfort and physical affection, like hugs or snuggling up together with a favorite book. Physical comfort goes a long way towards providing inner security. Reassure your child, again and again, that you will do your best to keep them safe. Children may appear to regress as they process their fear, including wanting to sleep with parents, needing to call home often, bedwetting, or wanting to cuddle with comfort items such as blankets or stuffed animals.
- Reassure the child that he or she is safe. When a child has questions such as, "Why did this happen?" or "Am I safe?", explain that events like these are very rare. Talk about the many people who work every day to keep kids safe, such as police officers, teachers, or the school principal.
- Encourage the child to express feelings and ideas through familiar activities. Children may not be able to articulate their feelings for a time after the event. Drawing, using clay, writing, dancing and singing. Research also shows that children who are allowed to run (even in place) following a traumatic event may experience fewer symptoms of trauma in subsequent weeks or months. Crossing the arms and tapping alternately and rhythmically on each arm (know as a "Butterfly Hug") is said to help process traumatic experiences. Play may also be helpful, but adults should help children come up with "safe" make-believe scenarios such as helping someone at a hospital rather than reenacting the tragedy.
- In sharing information, be honest, but be mindful of the child's age.
- Early elementary school children need brief, simple information that should be balanced with reassurances that their school and homes are safe and that adults are there to protect them. Give simple examples of school safety like reminding children about exterior doors being locked, child monitoring efforts on the playground, and emergency drills practiced during the school day.
- Upper elementary and early middle school children may be more vocal in asking questions about whether they truly are safe and what is being done at their school. They may need assistance separating reality from fantasy. Discuss efforts of school and community leaders to provide safe schools.
- Upper middle school and high school students may have strong and varying opinions about the causes of violence in schools and society. They may share concrete suggestions about how to make school safer and how to prevent tragedies in society. Emphasize the role that students have in maintaining safe schools by following school safety guidelines (e.g. not providing building access to strangers, reporting strangers on campus, reporting threats to the school safety made by students or community members, etc.), communicating any personal safety to school administrators, and accessing support for emotional needs.
- Remember that it is ok to admit that you don't have all of the answers.
- Reassure the child that it is ok to talk about sad or scary events. It is also ok to admit to feeling sad, scared, or angry and to acknowledge that you are having those feelings too. You are modeling for your child how to acknowledge and express their difficult emotions.
- Be patient. If the child doesn't have much to say yet, give them some time and let them know they can come back with more questions or to talk about the events when they are ready. If they show signs of depression and anxiety over time, speak with the child's pediatrician or a school counselor for guidance.
- Turn off the news and social media. Media images can add to the trauma of a tragedy, particularly for young children. Images on the television, in video, and on the Internet can be confusing and disorienting as dramatic images are repeated over and over again, which may lead children to believe that the tragedy has happened many times. In addition, the live coverage and the closeness of the TV images can add to the sense of danger. Teens may want to have phones close by in order to stay connected to peers, but encourage them to limit use of social media, which can retraumatize and escalate feelings of hopelessness.
- Keep up your routine. Normalcy will help the child deal with difficult feelings, as will doing fun things that you both enjoy. Remember that kids still need to be kids, and will experience the grief process through "dosing", touching in to it for as long as their nervous systems can tolerate, usually in short bursts.
- Talk about people who are helping. Look for the helpers. These may include first responders, volunteers, doctors, or community members. Let your child know that even though bad things happen, the world has many good people who want to help.
- Ask the child for ideas on how to help. This might include fundraising, collecting donations, or being pen pals, as well as ways to make a difference closer to home through a community project.
- Look for "kid-friendly" sources of information. These might include children's books, magazines and websites for children who want to learn more. For more information about using children's literature, see After the Crisis: Using Storybooks to Help Children Cope.
- Anxiety, depression and suicidal ideation can increase for some time after a traumatic event. Keeping your child safe may include calling 911 or taking them to an emergency room if you feel they are at risk. Seek out professional counseling to help you and your child integrate the traumatic loss.
Adapted from 15 Tips for Talking to Children About School Violence by Lydia Breiseth http://www.colorincolorado.org/article/15-tips-talking-children-about-school-violence
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