Help for Young Adult Grievers

​How Do I Find Support as a Grieving 20-Something?  

What can you do as a young griever?

Assess your support system
The reality is we aren’t always good at using our support system in the right way. We go to the wrong person at the wrong time, or we keep going back to people who are not meeting our needs rather than really critically looking at who can best meet our needs.  Learn to use your support system more effectively.  How, you might ask?  

Speak up
This can be tough, because talking about your loss can be tough . . . and awkward . . . and weird to work into conversation.  For those very reasons many people carry their losses in silence.  But if we all walk around silently grieving our personal losses, we only exacerbate our collective feelings of isolation.  When we start to open up about our losses, often times we learn that others have been through similar losses and we connect with people we never would have expected.   I read recently that 1 in 7 Americans loses a parent before age 20.  1 in 7!! This involves taking a risk, being open and being vulnerable, but the reward is huge when you do connect.
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Don’t let past bad experiences taint future experiences
When you start to share and speak up about pain and loss, it isn’t always going to go well.  But don’t let past bad experiences keep you from trying and trusting again.  Easier said than done, but it is important to remember that one person failing you when you needed support does not mean that everyone will.  Be thoughtful with who you open up to, but don’t let the fear of repeating the past prevent you from forming new relationships in the present.

Tell your friends what you need
Sometimes we assume that others know what we need or that they will figure it out.  As mentioned above, this may be the first time your friend has supported someone grieving and they may have never been through a loss themselves.  That makes it especially important that you speak up and let them know what you need.  If you want to talk without that person judging or giving advice, tell them that.  If you aren’t ready to be social, but would really love some company sitting on the couch watching TV, tell them.  If you aren’t always great about calling or texting back, but appreciate friends checking in with you, let them know that you appreciate it even if you don’t always reply.  You get the idea.
 
 Help your friends understand grief
This can be tough, because you may not even understand grief!  And even if you do, you may not be in a position to be teaching other people about it. But you can point them to some resources.  Chances are your good friends want to help you and they want to understand more.  They just may not know where to start.  If you are looking for some things to get your friends started you can recommend this post on Supporting a Friend After a Death, this post on Grief Myths that Just Need to Stop and this post of 64 Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me About Grief at https://whatsyourgrief.com.

Be open
Sometimes we fixate on the idea that grief support has to come from someone who has had a similar loss to our own, someone in our age range or someone who is similar to us in spiritual beliefs, life experiences, etc.  Over years supporting grievers and from my own experiences, one thing that is important to remember is that sometimes you find grief support and grief friends where you least expect them.  You may be a grieving 20-something, but that doesn’t mean another grieving 20-something is your only possible source of support.  Be open to this and remember, not every friend will be able to provide support in every situation.  And that’s okay!

Forgive
People say stupid things when you are grieving.  Like, really stupid things.  Oh, and they do stupid things.  Often well-intentioned things, but still stupid.  It can be easy to then think they are stupid, or insensitive, or bad friends. Chances are they are just floundering because they don’t know the right thing to say or do.  Cut them some slack, have a conversation about what they said or did that hurt you, and help them know how to better support you going forward.  Now, if they keep doing or saying the wrong thing, then you may need to get some space from them.  But give them a chance before you jump to that conclusion.

The bad stuff about support systems when you’re young.

1.There is a good chance your friends haven’t been through something similar. Though this certainly isn’t always the case, the reality is that when we are young we are less likely to have lost people who are close to us.  So, when you do lose someone as a young person it is pretty likely your friends may not have been through the same thing.
2. Your friends are less likely to know how to support someone grieving. In addition to not having lost someone themselves, there is a fair chance you are the first grieving friend your friend has ever had.  They may be feeling like they have no idea what to say or do to support you.  This isn’t their fault, they don’t teach us this stuff in school!
3. Your friends can be a bit self-focused. This isn’t an insult and it isn’t a rule, but when we are teens and 20-somethings we can be pretty darned focused on ourselves and what is going on in our own lives – girlfriends, boyfriends, dances, colleges, first jobs, first apartments, figuring out the meaning of life, etc.  It can sometimes be hard for people to shift that focus to provide the support you need when you are grieving.
4. They don’t understand grief. Let’s be honest, this can be true for friends of any age, but it may be especially true for friends when you are younger.  They may assume you will be “back to normal” after a few months, they may assume your grief will look a certain way and be surprised if it doesn’t, etc.  They want to understand, they want to help, but they just don’t get it.  At. All.
5. Your priorities change.  Many times your friends are your friends because you have similar interests, experiences, perspectives and beliefs.  One thing that can happen with grief (though it doesn’t always, of course) is your priorities or beliefs change.  The things that seemed so important before no longer feel important.  Your interests or belief system shift.  Your friends may have a hard time understanding these shifts and staying connected.  

The good stuff about support systems when you’re young
1. Friends are incredibly important. It isn’t to say that friends aren’t always important, but we know as teenagers our friends become extremely important and have a significant impact on how we grow, adjust and cope. This importance of peers often carries into our twenties, before we establish long-term romantic relationships or have children of our own.  So the good news is, as a young griever, you may already have friends who you talk to daily, who know you extremely well and who have helped you through some dark days in the past.
2. They have time. Once you hit your 30s and 40s many friends are juggling spouses, children, careers and many other stressors of their own families.  This can cause grievers to feel their friends just don’t have any free time at all, and certainly don’t want to burden them when they do have time though as 20-somethings we undoubtedly have busy schedules and stressors, we often have more time for friends in general.  This time can make it a little easier to provide support.
3. People are looking for new friends.  It may not feel like it when finding new friends isn’t coming easily, but the truth is that many 20-somethings are eager to make friends and often feel isolated.  In college you are surrounded by people your age with endless options of clubs, sports, classes and activities where you can connect.  The post-college world can be a shock without a built-in friend group, so there are many people looking to connect.  Now, you still need to find those people, which isn’t always easy (especially when you are grieving) but looking for book clubs, sports, young adult professional groups, running clubs, etc is a place to start.
 
Meeting other young grievers

Though it can feel like there are no groups or resources for young people, they are out there. Here are just a few ideas of places you may find some other grievers in your age bracket.

Grief Groups
The Grief Center of Southwest Colorado holds groups based on age and/or circumstances of the loss. If they do not currently have a group that fits for you, they are always willing to try to form one.
 
AMF
They are a group that meets on college campuses for students who are grieving.  This is a great way to connect with other college students who are grieving.  https://healgrief.org/actively-moving-forward

The Dinner Party
There are less formal options to connect with other grievers.  The Dinner Party is a network of ‘hosts’ across the country who throw dinner parties, allowing mostly 20 and 30-something grievers to connect with other grievers over yummy potluck dinners.  Started by 5 young grievers who didn’t find support in traditional places, the dinner parties worked for them and slowly the party grew and expanded.  Now it is happening in cities across the country.   Like AMF, if there is no party happening in your city you can sign up as a host and get a dinner party started!

Too Damn Young
For those looking for an online options, you may want to check out What’s Your Grief: https://whatsyourgrief.com, and Too Damn Young: http://toodamnyoung.com.  This is a website that is specifically designed by and intended for teen, college and 20-something grievers.  Don’t discount the value of cyber support!  It can sometimes offer a bit to supplement the real-life support!
 
Adapted from: https://whatsyourgrief.com/whats-your-question-how-do-i-find-support-as-a-grieving-20-something/
 
Other resources:
 
https://www.griefcenterswco.org
https://www.dougy.org/docs/Tips_for_Young_Adults_Grieving_a_Death.pdf
https://thecusp.com.au/dealing-with-grief-as-a-young-adult/3032
http://toodamnyoung.com/
https://healgrief.org/actively-moving-forward
https://www.thedinnerparty.org