After the Death of a Colleague

Death of a Colleague: Grief, What to Expect, and Coping Strategies

We work side by side with our colleagues, commonly sharing the news of our daily lives. As a result, we often consider them not just co-workers, but also friends or members of our extended family. Upon learning of a colleague’s death we naturally experience sadness and feelings of loss. The death can also affect our feelings about our work, the workplace, and our own health and well-being. Our feelings can be especially trying when our colleague dies unexpectedly as there may not have been opportunities to say good-bye.

Everyone grieves and processes death differently. Some people may feel that they don’t have permission to grieve for a colleague in the way that they would grieve a friend or family member. Some people may feel devastated; others may feel numb and disconnected. Some may withdraw socially while others reach out for support. Guidance through the complex and difficult grieving process is often helpful. What follows are some thoughts about what to expect and how to cope with the death of a colleague.

The grieving process

Feelings and symptoms of grief may take weeks and sometimes months to individually process. We do not heal according to a timetable but, over time, our emotions do ease. The feelings and symptoms can be different for each of us. They may include: shock, denial, anger, guilt, anxiety, sleep disturbance, exhaustion, relief, overwhelming sadness, and problems with concentration. Most of the time we feel several of these emotions at the same time, but we feel them in varying degrees. The extent, depth and duration will depend on how close we were to the individual who died, the circumstances of the death, and our own situation and losses that we have experienced.

Also affecting our grief response will be the number of years worked together, the nature of our relationship with the co-worker, the age of the deceased, the suddenness of the death, and other challenges that may be facing the work group and the staff and/or faculty at the time of the loss.

"Grief is a journey, often perilous and without clear direction. The experience of grieving cannot be ordered or categorized, hurried or controlled, pushed aside or ignored indefinitely. It is inevitable as breathing, as change, as love. It may be postponed, but it will not be denied." ~Mollie Fumia

What to expect

· People experience grief differently. You or your co-worker who was particularly close to the person who died may feel depressed, absent-minded, short-tempered, or exhausted. Some people find talking about the deceased helps them manage their grief while others keep to themselves. Respect and accept that others may feel the loss more or less strongly than you, and they may cope differently.

· A death may generate questions and fears about our own mortality. If a co-worker dies, we may feel guilty or angry at that person, at life, or at the medical providers or caregivers if the death was related to an illness. It may cause you to question your own life and how temporary life is with those we love. These are all normal reactions and emotions. Be prepared for grief triggers that may surprise you by bringing up uncomfortable feelings from out of nowhere. A close colleague‘s death can sometimes trigger memories of previous losses in our lives, as well as fears and concerns about mortality.

· You may find yourself distracted and thinking about the death even when you’re not at work.

· Your family may not understand why you are having such an intense reaction to a workplace death and may want you to be the same old person you always have been. Going to a party, a family gathering, or an evening of fun and entertainment may not appeal to you; this may be difficult for your friends and family to comprehend.

· Work goes on. Be prepared for reactions such as anger and renewed sadness related to organizational changes that might follow a coworker’s death.

· Be aware of how you may react to a deceased co-worker’s replacement. Even clearing their work area may bring up deep emotion. If you feel anger or disappointment about the new person’s performance, personality, or work style, consider that your feelings may be less about the individual than your grief about the loss of person they are replacing.

Coping and some things you might do

· If you’re comfortable doing so then attend the funeral or memorial service; this gives you a chance to say good-bye and offer condolences to the family.

· Express condolences; a card, flowers or some other expression to the family members of the deceased may be appreciated and may help you feel better.

· Express your thoughts and feelings to trusted people, sharing may help healing. In addition, for some people it helps to write out thoughts, perhaps keep a journal, as a means of externalizing innermost thoughts and feelings.

· Find support. Talking to a family member, trusted friend, member of the clergy or a trained professional might be useful. Reading about the grief process may help with understanding your own reactions.

· The way you feel immediately after the death and the weeks that follow will change, so be patient and have compassion for yourself. Give yourself and your co- workers time to adjust to the loss. Accepting that for some recovery will be quick and for others it may take more time than others.

· Be kind to yourself and try to focus on the basics of eating healthy, getting enough sleep, exercising, and using positive self-talk.

· Be kind to each other. This is not an easy time for the work unit and many adjustments have to be made, people may not be at their best. Cut each other some slack, be gentle and understanding with one another during this time, and find ways to cooperate to share any additional workload. Avoid giving false comfort to a colleague. Statements like “at least the suffering is over,” “you’ll get over it in time,” or “it’s God’s will,” may make you feel better, but worn out expressions are unlikely to genuinely help. A simple expression of a sorrow shared is usually appreciated, “I’m so sorry,” or, “I have some time if you’d like to talk” goes a long way.

​Seeking help
​
If you, a colleague, or a work group needs guidance or support through the difficult time that follows a workplace death and accompanying grieving process then consider contacting the Grief Center of Southwest Colorado. Our community outreach experience and professional expertise in the grieving process is available on request. We are also able to make referrals to a variety of community resources.